i permit you to call me
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
