Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
try to milk me bitch
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
