After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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