My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
