census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
