Can i not drive my cunt home
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
