so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
