the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
