Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
