I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
