"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
be right there i have to get my cape
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
