I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
