Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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