took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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