my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
