Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
