Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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