There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
