you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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