i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
