Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
what day is it and did you see me today?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
