She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Life is so much better after having sex.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
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