Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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