Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Are we still banned from the library?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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