This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Randomize
