Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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