I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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