I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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