i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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