Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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