My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
