and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
