You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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