Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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