i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
