hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
