You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
