I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
