I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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