i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
