Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
