If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
