I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
