i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
