Porn is love you can see.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
