I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
