Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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