my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
