i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
So squirting runs in the family.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
