I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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