I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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