Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
