ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
