every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
