its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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